This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.

Doctors say it's okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.

By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.

[When to have a facelift:] If you're tripping over your neck.

When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can't come home for lunch.

We named all our children Kid. Well, they have different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid . . .

My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.