Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me.

When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.

Do not taste food while you're cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.

My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle

This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.

Some wives have model husbands, I got one that needed remodeling.

One [expert] said, 'Always have a baby sitter who is acquainted with your children.' If they were acquainted with my children, they wouldn't sit!