Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me.

On the way to the delivery room, I almost changed my mind about having a baby. I wouldn't have found it so hard to go ahead with it if I had realized that having a baby was the only way I could ever become a grandmother.

[On plastic surgery:] When I die, God won't know me. There are no two parts of my body the same age.

Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.

When I was a kid and we used to play Post Office, I was the Dead Letter Office.

My mother-in-law buys her coats in a carper shop. She wears a 9x12.

Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing.