One [expert] said, 'Always have a baby sitter who is acquainted with your children.' If they were acquainted with my children, they wouldn't sit!
Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
The only parts left of my original body are my elbows.
If my jeans could talk, they'd plead for mercy.
This woman was so cross-eyed. She can go to a tennis match and never move her head.
I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. There's no use doing it now, it doesn't fit anybody I know.