My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix. That's why he's never worked.

My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking.

When I go to the beach, my grandchildren try to make words out of the veins in my legs. That's why I still take the pill; I don't want any more grandchildren.

I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn't show the dirt.

My timing is so precise, a heckler would have to make an appointment just to get a word in.

I realize it is normal to argue. I almost missed World War II watching my parents fight.

There's such a buildup of crud in my oven, there's only room to bake a single cupcake.