All I ever learned at my mother's knee was what a bony knee looked like.

Keep at least one window pane clean to check the weather. Once when I didn't do this I sent the kids off with umbrellas for six weeks straight.

We named all our children Kid. Well, they have different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid . . .

I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: "I'm not losing a son; I'm gaining a couch."

Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor... I was committed!

Carry an oar when you drive. Three times I've ended up in water.

They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!