Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor... I was committed!
Never refer to your wedding night as the original amateur hour.
Choose a checked or striped wall paper. People will be halfway home before they are able to focus.
When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can't come home for lunch.
The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
... if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.