Mothers-in-law do not make good house pets. Once I had the most wonderful dream -- I dreamed that mothers-in-law cost money and I couldn't afford one.

I don't know how you feel about old age... but in my case I didn't even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.

Never refer to your wedding night as the original amateur hour.

He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.

To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won't have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.

It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.

How do you know they're growing up? Well, the bite marks are higher.