Have you ever known anyone who bought a fruitcake for himself? Of course not. They are purchased as Christmas gifts, mostly for people you don't particularly like.

Remember, only a policeman is allowed to express himself on an expressway.

If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, 'Who could have done this? We have no enemies!'

I don't like to cook. I can make a TV dinner taste like radio.

I'm looking for a perfume to overpower men - I'm sick of karate.

[On plastic surgery:] When I die, God won't know me. There are no two parts of my body the same age.

When he proposed he said, "We'll make such beautiful music together," but in this duet, his part seems to be all rests.