Have you ever known anyone who bought a fruitcake for himself? Of course not. They are purchased as Christmas gifts, mostly for people you don't particularly like.

I'm the woman who used to think that middle-age spread was a cocktail dip.

I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn't show the dirt.

My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.

If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, 'Who could have done this? We have no enemies!'

Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.

When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can't come home for lunch.