When I go to the beach, even the tide won't come in.

Never refer to your wedding night as the original amateur hour.

When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can't come home for lunch.

Would you believe that I once entered a beauty contest? I must have been out of my mind. I not only came in last, I got 361 get-well cards.

I'm from such an old family, it's been condemned.

[On plastic surgery:] When I die, God won't know me. There are no two parts of my body the same age.

When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance. Sometimes I just go for an estimate.