When I go to the beach, even the tide won't come in.

How do you know they're growing up? Well, the bite marks are higher.

We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.

I was the world's ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads... I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said 'Grab the blade!

When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.

Have the man at the station put the air in the tires. I did it once myself. Have you ever seen a car with a limp?

Have you ever known anyone who bought a fruitcake for himself? Of course not. They are purchased as Christmas gifts, mostly for people you don't particularly like.