Carry an oar when you drive. Three times I've ended up in water.

No matter what time your guests arrive, pretend they're early, so naturally you're not ready.

Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, "A teaspoon before going to bed," and in one day he uses seven bottles.

You know you're old when your walker has an airbag.

Before you get married you should meet your fiance's parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.

I still take the pill. I don't want any more grandchildren.

To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won't have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.