I don't like to cook. I can make a TV dinner taste like radio.

You've got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It's when somebody steps on the bride's train, or belches during the ceremony that you've got comedy!

I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: "I'm not losing a son; I'm gaining a couch."

Once my husband said to me, 'I'm going to have some coffee. Do you want me to put some hot water on for you?' I thought that was the least he could do considering I was giving birth.

The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.

It's an ill will that blows when you leave the hairdresser.

How do you know they're growing up? Well, the bite marks are higher.