How do you know they're growing up? Well, the bite marks are higher.

Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction.

... if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.

Remarrying a husband you've divorced is like having your appendix put back in.

Right from the start my parents had left me to fend for myself. Apparently unaware that I was a kid, they invariably treated me like an adult, perhaps because they themselves were no spring chickens.

My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.

I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate.