How do you know they're growing up? Well, the bite marks are higher.

Remarrying a husband you've divorced is like having your appendix put back in.

The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.

My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle

To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won't have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.

I was the world's ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads... I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said 'Grab the blade!

My husband is so useless that it's hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, If you love me, blink your eyes.