Right from the start my parents had left me to fend for myself. Apparently unaware that I was a kid, they invariably treated me like an adult, perhaps because they themselves were no spring chickens.

All I ever learned at my mother's knee was what a bony knee looked like.

Health - what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.

When he proposed he said, "We'll make such beautiful music together," but in this duet, his part seems to be all rests.

My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs.

When I go to bed at night, I've got so much grease on my body I wear snow chains to hold up my gown.

I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: "I'm not losing a son; I'm gaining a couch."