Right from the start my parents had left me to fend for myself. Apparently unaware that I was a kid, they invariably treated me like an adult, perhaps because they themselves were no spring chickens.

Doctors say it's okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.

My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.

If it weren't for my adam's apple, I'd have no shape at all.

Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, "Attack!" And he has one. All he does is piddle. He's nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.

If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.

Like all good ruins, I look better by moonlight.