Doctors say it's okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.

I don't like to cook. I can make a TV dinner taste like radio.

On the way to the delivery room, I almost changed my mind about having a baby. I wouldn't have found it so hard to go ahead with it if I had realized that having a baby was the only way I could ever become a grandmother.

Carry an oar when you drive. Three times I've ended up in water.

Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, "Attack!" And he has one. All he does is piddle. He's nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.

My mother-in-law buys her coats in a carper shop. She wears a 9x12.

If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, 'Who could have done this? We have no enemies!'