Isn't my fur stole pitiful? How unsuccessful can a girl look? People think I'm wearing anchovies. The worst of it is, I trapped these under my own sink.

They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!

You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!

The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.

Comedy is tragedy revisited or hostility. It is mock hostility, of course, or it would be ugly; we would have a war.

Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.

... if I invested in a mouthwash stock, bad breath would suddenly become popular.