Isn't my fur stole pitiful? How unsuccessful can a girl look? People think I'm wearing anchovies. The worst of it is, I trapped these under my own sink.

We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.

You've got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It's when somebody steps on the bride's train, or belches during the ceremony that you've got comedy!

I'd love to slit my mother-in-law's corsets and watch her spread to death.

self-pity is better than none.

When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can't come home for lunch.

My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe.