Comedy is tragedy revisited.

I was the world's ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads... I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said 'Grab the blade!

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

Think of me as a sex symbol for the men who don't give a damn.

I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: "I'm not losing a son; I'm gaining a couch."

Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.

Everybody knows how lazy he is. One day the neighbors saw Fang mow the lawn and I got three Get Well cards.