Comedy is tragedy revisited.

[On plastic surgery:] When I die, God won't know me. There are no two parts of my body the same age.

I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, 'Take off your clothes'?

I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, What do you have in lingerie? She says, More than you'll ever have!

I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.

It's hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. There's no use doing it now, it doesn't fit anybody I know.