Comedy is tragedy revisited.

They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!

I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, What do you have in lingerie? She says, More than you'll ever have!

I don't know how you feel about old age... but in my case I didn't even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.

Like all good ruins, I look better by moonlight.

Keep at least one window pane clean to check the weather. Once when I didn't do this I sent the kids off with umbrellas for six weeks straight.

Never refer to your wedding night as the original amateur hour.