Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction.

Health - what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.

Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction.

I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate.

When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.

We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.

This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.