Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction.

I never made `Who's Who,' but I'm featured in `What's That?'

Have you ever known anyone who bought a fruitcake for himself? Of course not. They are purchased as Christmas gifts, mostly for people you don't particularly like.

This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.

When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can't come home for lunch.

I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, 'Take off your clothes'?

It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.