Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction.

Remarrying a husband you've divorced is like having your appendix put back in.

I have nothing against dogs. I just hate rugs that go squish-squish.

[On plastic surgery:] When I die, God won't know me. There are no two parts of my body the same age.

We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.

My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle

Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing.