Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction.

I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.

Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, "Attack!" And he has one. All he does is piddle. He's nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.

My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe.

My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle

I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.

Have you ever known anyone who bought a fruitcake for himself? Of course not. They are purchased as Christmas gifts, mostly for people you don't particularly like.