Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction.

Do not taste food while you're cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.

Comedy is tragedy revisited.

My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.

There's such a buildup of crud in my oven, there's only room to bake a single cupcake.

I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.

I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.