[On plastic surgery:] When I die, God won't know me. There are no two parts of my body the same age.

My timing is so precise, a heckler would have to make an appointment just to get a word in.

I'm the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night... and reduce the crime rate.

A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.

I'm looking for a perfume to overpower men - I'm sick of karate.

The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.

I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.