[On plastic surgery:] When I die, God won't know me. There are no two parts of my body the same age.

Everybody knows how much time Fang spends in bed. A local store that gives a 30 days' trial on mattresses gives Fang only 15 days.

[When to have a facelift:] If you're tripping over your neck.

Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing.

If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, 'Who could have done this? We have no enemies!'

I remember once a vocational director said to Fang, "You must develop some mechanical skills - like getting out of bed."

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. There's no use doing it now, it doesn't fit anybody I know.