Becoming a comedienne was my way of adjusting to puberty.

When you hire a person to plan your wedding, this does not include securing the groom. Plan to get married on Friday the 13th. In years to come this will make it much easier to explain why things turned out badly. To look beautiful at your wedding, take time to plan it. It took me a long time to find two ugly bridesmaids and a frumpy little flower girl.

Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me.

A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.

Never go to bed angry, stay up and fight.

I have nothing against dogs. I just hate rugs that go squish-squish.

My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.