I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.

I'd love to slit my mother-in-law's corsets and watch her spread to death.

I'm from such an old family, it's been condemned.

I don't know how you feel about old age... but in my case I didn't even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.

This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.

You know you're old when your walker has an airbag.

Once my husband said to me, 'I'm going to have some coffee. Do you want me to put some hot water on for you?' I thought that was the least he could do considering I was giving birth.