Once Fang took pep pills and they worked - the only time he ever ran to bed.

The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.

There's such a buildup of crud in my oven, there's only room to bake a single cupcake.

A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.

[On plastic surgery:] When I die, God won't know me. There are no two parts of my body the same age.

Everybody knows how much time Fang spends in bed. A local store that gives a 30 days' trial on mattresses gives Fang only 15 days.

I realize it is normal to argue. I almost missed World War II watching my parents fight.