The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.

They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!

I was the world's ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads... I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said 'Grab the blade!

If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, 'Who could have done this? We have no enemies!'

Keep at least one window pane clean to check the weather. Once when I didn't do this I sent the kids off with umbrellas for six weeks straight.

My sister was so promiscuous she broke her ankle in the glove compartment of a car.

Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don't kiss; we touch gloves.