The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.

I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.

I don't know how you feel about old age... but in my case I didn't even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.

Have you ever known anyone who bought a fruitcake for himself? Of course not. They are purchased as Christmas gifts, mostly for people you don't particularly like.

This man I was going with asked me for my finger measurements. I thought he was going to buy me a ring for Christmas, but he gave me a bowling ball.

I never made `Who's Who,' but I'm featured in `What's That?'

I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.