My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.

Too many comics today ramble. By the time they get to the punch line, the audience has either gone to sleep, gone to the bathroom or gone to bed.

Absolutely nothing was happening in my marriage. I nicknamed my waterbed, Lake Placid!

Life began on this planet when the first amoeba split. Mankind will still be seeking God, not accepting that God is a spirit; can't see it, touch it, only feel it. It's called LOVE.

I'm from such an old family, it's been condemned.

Your husband is lazy if coffee doesn't keep him awake - even when it's hot and being spilled on him.

Have you ever known anyone who bought a fruitcake for himself? Of course not. They are purchased as Christmas gifts, mostly for people you don't particularly like.