My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.

Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.

You want to look younger... rent smaller children.

My doctor is a family physician. He treats my family and I support his.

There isn't any (afterlife), you dingbat! This is it, baby! Enjoy, carefully! Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion and I can't buy any of it. So God made man in His own image? It's just the other way around. Man made God in his own image. It's all about money.

I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate.

Too many comics today ramble. By the time they get to the punch line, the audience has either gone to sleep, gone to the bathroom or gone to bed.