My plastic surgeon ... said my face looked like a bouquet of elbows.
Your husband is lazy if coffee doesn't keep him awake - even when it's hot and being spilled on him.
Carry an oar when you drive. Three times I've ended up in water.
Once my husband said to me, 'I'm going to have some coffee. Do you want me to put some hot water on for you?' I thought that was the least he could do considering I was giving birth.
You want to look younger... rent smaller children.
Too many comics today ramble. By the time they get to the punch line, the audience has either gone to sleep, gone to the bathroom or gone to bed.