My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.

If my jeans could talk, they'd plead for mercy.

When I go to the beach, my grandchildren try to make words out of the veins in my legs. That's why I still take the pill; I don't want any more grandchildren.

When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.

You want to look younger... rent smaller children.

[On plastic surgery:] When I die, God won't know me. There are no two parts of my body the same age.

A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.