My husband is so useless that it's hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, If you love me, blink your eyes.

Have the man at the station put the air in the tires. I did it once myself. Have you ever seen a car with a limp?

I honestly believe there is absolutely nothing like going to bed with a good #book; or a friend who's #read one.

Your husband is lazy if coffee doesn't keep him awake - even when it's hot and being spilled on him.

I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.

There's such a buildup of crud in my oven, there's only room to bake a single cupcake.

Just the other day I said to Fang, "Don't you think we've got a storybook romance?" and he said, "Yes, and every page is ripped.