My husband is so useless that it's hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, If you love me, blink your eyes.

I don't like to cook. I can make a TV dinner taste like radio.

You know you're old when your walker has an airbag.

Comedy is tragedy revisited.

My plastic surgeon ... said my face looked like a bouquet of elbows.

Everybody knows how lazy he is. One day the neighbors saw Fang mow the lawn and I got three Get Well cards.

Some wives have model husbands, I got one that needed remodeling.