Never refer to your wedding night as the original amateur hour.

Like all good ruins, I look better by moonlight.

I'm the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night... and reduce the crime rate.

My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe.

My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.

Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, "Attack!" And he has one. All he does is piddle. He's nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.

One [expert] said, 'Always have a baby sitter who is acquainted with your children.' If they were acquainted with my children, they wouldn't sit!