Never refer to your wedding night as the original amateur hour.

If I wore a peek-a-boo dress, it would be like turning in a false alarm.

A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.

I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: "I'm not losing a son; I'm gaining a couch."

When you hire a person to plan your wedding, this does not include securing the groom. Plan to get married on Friday the 13th. In years to come this will make it much easier to explain why things turned out badly. To look beautiful at your wedding, take time to plan it. It took me a long time to find two ugly bridesmaids and a frumpy little flower girl.

Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion, and I can't buy any of it.

A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.