Never refer to your wedding night as the original amateur hour.

My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.

When I go to the beach, my grandchildren try to make words out of the veins in my legs. That's why I still take the pill; I don't want any more grandchildren.

A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.

I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.

The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours. We were not created by a deity. We created the deity in OUR image. Life began on this planet when the first amoeba split. Mankind will still be seeking God, not accepting that God is a spirit; can't see it, touch it, only feel it. It's called LOVE.

They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!