I'm from such an old family, it's been condemned.

When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can't come home for lunch.

My mother-in-law buys her coats in a carper shop. She wears a 9x12.

If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, 'Who could have done this? We have no enemies!'

I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along - but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.

We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets. It used to get so damp in there, we'd have a rainbow above it.

Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing.