If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, 'Who could have done this? We have no enemies!'

By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.

When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can't come home for lunch.

Mothers-in-law do not make good house pets. Once I had the most wonderful dream -- I dreamed that mothers-in-law cost money and I couldn't afford one.

The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.

Keep at least one window pane clean to check the weather. Once when I didn't do this I sent the kids off with umbrellas for six weeks straight.

Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, "A teaspoon before going to bed," and in one day he uses seven bottles.