Whenever I walk off the golf course, I thank God that I'm able to tell a joke. I thank God I'm good at something.

If I have sex, I know my quarterly estimated taxes must be due. And if it's oral sex, I know it's time to renew my driver's license.

The first time I played golf was in Flushing Meadows, Queens, when I was about 16 or 17. They had an 18-hole pitch-and-putt. My buddies and I would hop the fence and sneak on and play.

Without identical twins, you'll never get to experience entering a hotel room with one of them and watching him run into the full-length mirror because he though he saw his brother.

The married man has all but eliminated that worry from his life, simply because his wife knows all about him: the good, the bad, and the tiny.

Parents, just keep in mind that kids will always round off to the nearest obscenity.

Mike Royce and I have always had success writing what we know. What we know now is that we're middle-aged, neurotic and fat.