The successful golfers - they're like astronauts or pilots. They have that demeanor that they can focus and stay within that one moment and nothing distracts them. That's not me.

Failure-it centers me. Too much success has me thinking, All right, what's goin' on?

That's when you know you're a true married couple: when you have to apologize for what you did in her dream.

If I have sex, I know my quarterly estimated taxes must be due. And if it's oral sex, I know it's time to renew my driver's license.

I don't know if you want to see the Everybody Loves Raymond guy in a nude scene.

My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning.

Every parent knows that for a kid, the car is chloroform.