My theory has always been that everyone in show business is there because they were deprived of some attention as a child.

I'd rather be in Las Vegas 104 degrees than New York 90 degrees, you know why? Legalized prostitution. In any weather that takes the edge off.

The more I go through parenting, the more I say I owe my mother an apology.

My kids are growing up and it's hard to accept they are their own person and they're independent.

Mike Royce and I have always had success writing what we know. What we know now is that we're middle-aged, neurotic and fat.

Each day it's like: 'How many more days am I going to feel young and vibrant? I feel young and vibrant now, but I also feel the aches and pains a little bit.

If I have sex, I know my quarterly estimated taxes must be due. And if it's oral sex, I know it's time to renew my driver's license.