The more I go through parenting, the more I say I owe my mother an apology.

Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they are born and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.

As an actor, that's nerve-wracking enough [drunk and doing coke] because you have to do it at the right level.

My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning.

I'll be spending the holidays with my family. Nothing special, just some light bickering and biting sarcasm.

People think living in your parents' basement until you're twenty-nine is lame. But what they don't realize is that while you're there, you save money on rent, food, and dates.

Well, I'm a 14 handicap. Anyone who golfs knows what that means.