I still got my hair, I'm not fat.

I'll be spending the holidays with my family. Nothing special, just some light bickering and biting sarcasm.

It's starting to feel good, although I don't like feeling too good - that's not where my comedy comes from.

You might think that's an exaggeration but believe me, if you leave twin two-year-olds alone in your living room, at some point a cow will be airborne.

Sex after one child shows down. After twins... ooh... I'll tell you what it is for us. I'll share it with you. Every three months. We don't plan it that way. That's just how it works out. It's the weirdest thing. You know what I do? Every time I have sex, the next day I pay my estimated tax. My quarterlies are due. If it's oral sex, I renew my driver's license.

Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up.

As an actor, that's nerve-wracking enough [drunk and doing coke] because you have to do it at the right level.