People think living in your parents' basement until you're twenty-nine is lame. But what they don't realize is that while you're there, you save money on rent, food, and dates.

For the sake of your marriage, get a king-size bed. And if you really want to stay married, get two.

Why can't I love him (a 2 yr old nephew) from afar? That's how I want to love him - through pictures and folklore.

Whenever I walk off the golf course, I thank God that I'm able to tell a joke. I thank God I'm good at something.

I'll be spending the holidays with my family. Nothing special, just some light bickering and biting sarcasm.

You know, before I would think, my cab driver hates me. Now I think my limo driver hates me.

Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they are born and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.