Venus de Milo's mother, who once said to Venus, You never call me. Can't you pick up a phone? Never got a dinner!

Christopher Columbus, who said to Queen Isabella, No, you got it wrong! The world is round. You're flat! Never got a dinner!

Moses, who said when the Red Sea parted, What the hell was that? I was just going in for a dip! Never got a dinner!

John Wilkes Booth, who said, Sorry, I thought he was a critic. Never got a dinner!

When people ask me if Dean Martin drank, let me put it this way. If Dracula bit Dean in the neck, he'd get a Bloody Mary.

The Hunchback of Notre-Dame, who said to his tailor Irving, Forget the slacks - please work on the blazer! Never got a dinner!

Jack the Ripper's mother, who said to Jack, How come I never see you with the same girl twice? Never got a dinner!