Julius Caesar's wife, who said to Julius, We are not naming our son Sid! Never got a dinner!

Alexander Graham Bell's wife, who said to Alex on their wedding night, Your three minutes are up. Never got a dinner!

Captain Hook's mother, who said to Little Hook, For God sakes, don't scratch it! Never got a dinner!

Dolly Parton, who said to her doctor, Are you sure it's a chest cold? Never got a dinner!

Stan Musial, who said, Why didn't they make me the first Polish pope? I was such a good Cardinal. Never got a dinner!

When people ask me if Dean Martin drank, let me put it this way. If Dracula bit Dean in the neck, he'd get a Bloody Mary.

If I lose show business - I'll really be an orphan!