People think I am dead because they haven’t seen me around for awhile. I’m not dead, I’m very much alive, as you can see. Although, there are two things I do before I get up every morning. I look around and if I don’t smell flowers or see candles flickering I go ahead and get up.

I've put on a lot of weight... I only weighed six and a half pounds when I was born.

I consider the television set as the American fireplace, around which the whole family will gather.

You know, last night it was so cold that my pillow and my sheets fought to see who got under the blankets first.

I'm nuts and I know it. But so long as I make 'em laugh, they ain't going to lock me up.

I left home because I was hungry.

I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said. So I suggested the kitchen.