People think I am dead because they haven’t seen me around for awhile. I’m not dead, I’m very much alive, as you can see. Although, there are two things I do before I get up every morning. I look around and if I don’t smell flowers or see candles flickering I go ahead and get up.

You know, last night it was so cold that my pillow and my sheets fought to see who got under the blankets first.

Heard about the young deaf boy who used sign language-One day he told his mother a dirty joke and she washed his hands out with soap

When anyone hurts us, my wife and I sit in our Japanese sand garden and drink iced tea. There are five stone in the garden - for sky, wind, fire, water, and earth. We sit and think of five of the nicest things we can about the person who hurt us. If he hurts us a second time, we do the same thing. The third time, we light a candle, and he is, for us, dead.

I get plenty of exercise carrying the coffins of my friends who exercise.

I was a sober as the next guy. The only problem is the next guy was Dean Martin

I don't need glasses, but I've just reached the age where curiosity is greater than vanity.