I'd have avoided some of the pain if I could. Anyone would. But I wouldn't have missed knowing any of the people-even the ones whose leaving hurt most. In fact, the only thing I'm sorry about is that I didn't meet one particular guy, a clown named Joe Skelton. You know, he sure picked the right profession. I mean, a clown's got it all. He never has to hold back: He can do as he pleases. The mouth and the eyes are painted on. So if you wanta cry, you can go right ahead. The make up won't smear. You'll still be smiling. . . .
Red SkeltonOur principles are the springs of our actions. Our actions, the springs of our happiness or misery. Too much care, therefore, cannot be taken in forming our principles.
Red SkeltonI don't need glasses, but I've just reached the age where curiosity is greater than vanity.
Red SkeltonWhen anyone hurts us, my wife and I sit in our Japanese sand garden and drink iced tea. There are five stone in the garden - for sky, wind, fire, water, and earth. We sit and think of five of the nicest things we can about the person who hurt us. If he hurts us a second time, we do the same thing. The third time, we light a candle, and he is, for us, dead.
Red SkeltonShe has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
Red SkeltonLive by this credo: have a little laugh at life and look around you for happiness instead of sadness. Laughter has always brought me out of unhappy situations.
Red SkeltonPeople think I am dead because they haven’t seen me around for awhile. I’m not dead, I’m very much alive, as you can see. Although, there are two things I do before I get up every morning. I look around and if I don’t smell flowers or see candles flickering I go ahead and get up.
Red SkeltonI personally believe that each of us was put here for a purpose -- to build not to destroy. If I can make people smile, then I have served my purpose for God.
Red SkeltonI consider the television set as the American fireplace, around which the whole family will gather.
Red SkeltonTelevision: The device that brings into your living room characters you would never allow in your living room.
Red SkeltonI'm nuts and I know it. But so long as I make 'em laugh, they ain't going to lock me up.
Red SkeltonA fellow told me he was going to hang-glider school. He said, 'I've been going for three months. ' I said, 'How many successful jumps do you need to make before you graduate?' He said, 'All of them. '
Red SkeltonExercise? I get it on the golf course. When I see my friends collapse, I run for the paramedics.
Red SkeltonHeard about the young deaf boy who used sign language-One day he told his mother a dirty joke and she washed his hands out with soap
Red SkeltonYou know, last night it was so cold that my pillow and my sheets fought to see who got under the blankets first.
Red SkeltonIt proves what they say, give the public what they want to see and they'll come out for it.
Red SkeltonI asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
Red SkeltonYou know how to tell when you're getting old? When your broad mind changes places with your narrow waist.
Red SkeltonI just want to be known as a clown because to me, that's the height of my profession. It means you can do everything - sing, dance and, above all, make people laugh.
Red SkeltonWouldn't it be a pity if someone said that is a prayer and that would be eliminated from schools, too?
Red SkeltonMom used to say I didn't run away from home my destiny just caught up with me at an early age.
Red Skelton