I get plenty of exercise carrying the coffins of my friends who exercise.

I'm nuts and I know it. But so long as I make 'em laugh, they ain't going to lock me up.

She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas

I was a sober as the next guy. The only problem is the next guy was Dean Martin

Wouldn't it be a pity if someone said that is a prayer and that would be eliminated from schools, too?

I've put on a lot of weight... I only weighed six and a half pounds when I was born.