I was a sober as the next guy. The only problem is the next guy was Dean Martin

A fellow told me he was going to hang-glider school. He said, 'I've been going for three months. ' I said, 'How many successful jumps do you need to make before you graduate?' He said, 'All of them. '

She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

Wouldn't it be a pity if someone said that is a prayer and that would be eliminated from schools, too?

I've put on a lot of weight... I only weighed six and a half pounds when I was born.

I just want to be known as a clown because to me, that's the height of my profession. It means you can do everything - sing, dance and, above all, make people laugh.

I won't mind dying if I can tell St. Peter a joke he hasn't heard.