I'd have avoided some of the pain if I could. Anyone would. But I wouldn't have missed knowing any of the people-even the ones whose leaving hurt most. In fact, the only thing I'm sorry about is that I didn't meet one particular guy, a clown named Joe Skelton. You know, he sure picked the right profession. I mean, a clown's got it all. He never has to hold back: He can do as he pleases. The mouth and the eyes are painted on. So if you wanta cry, you can go right ahead. The make up won't smear. You'll still be smiling. . . .

I was a sober as the next guy. The only problem is the next guy was Dean Martin

Imitation isn't the sincerest form of flattery - it's plagiarism.

No matter what your heartache may be, laughing helps you forget it for a few seconds.

I've put on a lot of weight... I only weighed six and a half pounds when I was born.

If I can make people smile, then I have served my purpose for God.

I won't mind dying if I can tell St. Peter a joke he hasn't heard.