Mom used to say I didn't run away from home my destiny just caught up with me at an early age.

I don't need glasses, but I've just reached the age where curiosity is greater than vanity.

You know, last night it was so cold that my pillow and my sheets fought to see who got under the blankets first.

You know how to tell when you're getting old? When your broad mind changes places with your narrow waist.

Heard about the young deaf boy who used sign language-One day he told his mother a dirty joke and she washed his hands out with soap

My doctor said I look like a million dollars - green and wrinkled.

I was a sober as the next guy. The only problem is the next guy was Dean Martin