Mom used to say I didn't run away from home my destiny just caught up with me at an early age.

She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off

I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

My doctor said I look like a million dollars - green and wrinkled.

It proves what they say, give the public what they want to see and they'll come out for it.

Wouldn't it be a pity if someone said that is a prayer and that would be eliminated from schools, too?

You know how to tell when you're getting old? When your broad mind changes places with your narrow waist.