I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

You know, last night it was so cold that my pillow and my sheets fought to see who got under the blankets first.

Imitation isn't the sincerest form of flattery - it's plagiarism.

It proves what they say, give the public what they want to see and they'll come out for it.

Congress: Bingo with billions.

All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.

I won't mind dying if I can tell St. Peter a joke he hasn't heard.