I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always

I'm nuts and I know it. But so long as I make 'em laugh, they ain't going to lock me up.

Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce

A fellow told me he was going to hang-glider school. He said, 'I've been going for three months. ' I said, 'How many successful jumps do you need to make before you graduate?' He said, 'All of them. '

Exercise? I get it on the golf course. When I see my friends collapse, I run for the paramedics.

Wouldn't it be a pity if someone said that is a prayer and that would be eliminated from schools, too?

I get plenty of exercise carrying the coffins of my friends who exercise.