A fellow told me he was going to hang-glider school. He said, 'I've been going for three months. ' I said, 'How many successful jumps do you need to make before you graduate?' He said, 'All of them. '

No matter what your heartache may be, laughing helps you forget it for a few seconds.

Old age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

I get plenty of exercise carrying the coffins of my friends who exercise.

I was a sober as the next guy. The only problem is the next guy was Dean Martin

Our principles are the springs of our actions. Our actions, the springs of our happiness or misery. Too much care, therefore, cannot be taken in forming our principles.

You know, last night it was so cold that my pillow and my sheets fought to see who got under the blankets first.