A fellow told me he was going to hang-glider school. He said, 'I've been going for three months. ' I said, 'How many successful jumps do you need to make before you graduate?' He said, 'All of them. '

If I can make people smile, then I have served my purpose for God.

I left home because I was hungry.

I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

I'm nuts and I know it. But so long as I make 'em laugh, they ain't going to lock me up.

Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce

Old age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.