A fellow told me he was going to hang-glider school. He said, 'I've been going for three months. ' I said, 'How many successful jumps do you need to make before you graduate?' He said, 'All of them. '

I won't mind dying if I can tell St. Peter a joke he hasn't heard.

Congress: Bingo with billions.

I only come to life when there are people watching.

No matter what your heartache may be, laughing helps you forget it for a few seconds.

My doctor said I look like a million dollars - green and wrinkled.

You know how to tell when you're getting old? When your broad mind changes places with your narrow waist.