A fellow told me he was going to hang-glider school. He said, 'I've been going for three months. ' I said, 'How many successful jumps do you need to make before you graduate?' He said, 'All of them. '

Laughter has always brought me out of unhappy situations.

I won't mind dying if I can tell St. Peter a joke he hasn't heard.

I know my limit. I just keep passing out before I reach it.

I was a sober as the next guy. The only problem is the next guy was Dean Martin

It proves what they say, give the public what they want to see and they'll come out for it.

I've put on a lot of weight... I only weighed six and a half pounds when I was born.