A fellow told me he was going to hang-glider school. He said, 'I've been going for three months. ' I said, 'How many successful jumps do you need to make before you graduate?' He said, 'All of them. '

Old age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

I personally believe that each of us was put here for a purpose -- to build not to destroy. If I can make people smile, then I have served my purpose for God.

I get plenty of exercise carrying the coffins of my friends who exercise.

I'm nuts and I know it. But so long as I make 'em laugh, they ain't going to lock me up.

You know, last night it was so cold that my pillow and my sheets fought to see who got under the blankets first.

I don't need glasses, but I've just reached the age where curiosity is greater than vanity.