Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce

You know, last night it was so cold that my pillow and my sheets fought to see who got under the blankets first.

I was a sober as the next guy. The only problem is the next guy was Dean Martin

People think I am dead because they haven’t seen me around for awhile. I’m not dead, I’m very much alive, as you can see. Although, there are two things I do before I get up every morning. I look around and if I don’t smell flowers or see candles flickering I go ahead and get up.

She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off

I don't need glasses, but I've just reached the age where curiosity is greater than vanity.

I just want to be known as a clown because to me, that's the height of my profession. It means you can do everything - sing, dance and, above all, make people laugh.