I'm nuts and I know it. But so long as I make 'em laugh, they ain't going to lock me up.

I consider the television set as the American fireplace, around which the whole family will gather.

Imitation isn't the sincerest form of flattery - it's plagiarism.

She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

Laughter has always brought me out of unhappy situations.

A fellow told me he was going to hang-glider school. He said, 'I've been going for three months. ' I said, 'How many successful jumps do you need to make before you graduate?' He said, 'All of them. '

Old age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.