I've put on a lot of weight... I only weighed six and a half pounds when I was born.

No matter what your heartache may be, laughing helps you forget it for a few seconds.

Exercise? I get it on the golf course. When I see my friends collapse, I run for the paramedics.

I get plenty of exercise carrying the coffins of my friends who exercise.

When anyone hurts us, my wife and I sit in our Japanese sand garden and drink iced tea. There are five stone in the garden - for sky, wind, fire, water, and earth. We sit and think of five of the nicest things we can about the person who hurt us. If he hurts us a second time, we do the same thing. The third time, we light a candle, and he is, for us, dead.

She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off

Congress: Bingo with billions.