Television: The device that brings into your living room characters you would never allow in your living room.

I consider the television set as the American fireplace, around which the whole family will gather.

Old age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

Imitation isn't the sincerest form of flattery - it's plagiarism.

Exercise? I get it on the golf course. When I see my friends collapse, I run for the paramedics.

She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

There are three signs of old age: loss of memory ... I forget the other two.