I won't mind dying if I can tell St. Peter a joke he hasn't heard.

We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas

When anyone hurts us, my wife and I sit in our Japanese sand garden and drink iced tea. There are five stone in the garden - for sky, wind, fire, water, and earth. We sit and think of five of the nicest things we can about the person who hurt us. If he hurts us a second time, we do the same thing. The third time, we light a candle, and he is, for us, dead.

Television: The device that brings into your living room characters you would never allow in your living room.

Old age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

I get plenty of exercise carrying the coffins of my friends who exercise.