Laughter has always brought me out of unhappy situations.

You know how to tell when you're getting old? When your broad mind changes places with your narrow waist.

Mom used to say I didn't run away from home my destiny just caught up with me at an early age.

Wouldn't it be a pity if someone said that is a prayer and that would be eliminated from schools, too?

I don't hate my enemies. After all, I made 'em.

Recipe for a happy marriage: My wife and I always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

I consider the television set as the American fireplace, around which the whole family will gather.