Recipe for a happy marriage: My wife and I always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce

She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

Exercise? I get it on the golf course. When I see my friends collapse, I run for the paramedics.

A fellow told me he was going to hang-glider school. He said, 'I've been going for three months. ' I said, 'How many successful jumps do you need to make before you graduate?' He said, 'All of them. '

I only come to life when there are people watching.

Congress: Bingo with billions.