We would need less gun control if we had better birth control.

Never fry bacon when you're naked.

Nobody is really qualified to be the president. Basically it's an acting job. You have to act like you're the president. And every four years the country holds a big casting call.

There is an obesity epidemic. One out of every three Americans... weighs as much as the other two.

In New York, the principal leisure activity is internal bleeding.

Sports are an acceptable way for men to show emotion. A guy who won't hug his kid will slip a guy a tongue in a sports bar when his team wins.

Ridiculous that some people feel superior to the gay minority. They're the only couples you'll ever find poking around for ceramics and candle holders in the winery gift shop and both parties really want to be there.